| Rebecca's Story |
|
"It’s important not to silence women’s experiences, but to learn and gather strength from them." I had an abortion when I was nineteen years old. I was a junior in college and had been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months. We were really close, but definitely not ready to have a child. Once I realized that I was pregnant, I wanted to have an abortion as quickly as possible. I tried an herbal remedy at first. It was so disgusting I thought that it might actually work. I lay in bed and envisioned the concoction moving throughout my body and taking the developing cells with it, but nothing happened. Instead, I went to an ob-gyn doctor who has a private practice. It was all very discreet. Physically, everything went really well. I was given a shot of something to make me fall asleep and was only conscious for the first minute or so of the procedure. I barely bled afterwards and didn’t cramp at all. I slept for 18 hours straight, waking up once to eat some brownies my roommate had baked for me. I grew up in a feminist household and as far as pregnancy was concerned, it was almost like a drill: if you became pregnant, you took certain steps to get your life back in order. And when I found myself in that situation, I followed the steps and never second-guessed them. I didn’t really hide the fact that I had been pregnant. But, when I tried to talk about my thoughts/feelings with friends at my school, no one knew what to say. I could tell they felt uncomfortable, and they quickly changed the subject. About five months after I had the abortion, I went to the gynecologist for a routine examination. The doctor asked me about my medical history, and I burst into tears. Once I started to cry I couldn’t stop. The doctor asked me why I was so upset and I couldn’t explain how I felt. Concerned, she recommended that I see a counselor. I went to a psychologist who said all the wrong things and then finally recommended anti-depressants, which really offended me. Throughout this time, my boyfriend was extremely supportive of me, and in many ways we went through the experience together. However, it was ultimately my decision, body, and recovery, and I had to learn on my own how our society expects women to deal with difficult reproductive choices. I didn’t feel ashamed to have an abortion, but was unprepared for the silence and sense of isolation that I encountered when I wanted to talk about my experience. While abortion was frequently showing up in the newspapers, being debated in Congress, discussed in feminist publications, and brought up in conversation by friends, I felt alone in dealing with the actual experience of abortion. The political “right to choose” remained abstract. The decision to have an abortion is critiqued and politicized by strangers, unknowing friends and family, the media and our government. I’ve been bombarded with bumper stickers that say, “It’s a Child, Not a Choice” and “Your Mother Chose Life,” visually assaulted during Mardi Gras by a truck covered with pictures of aborted fetuses and a sign that said “American Holocaust” while coming to terms with the fact that one side of my family routinely joins anti-abortion picket lines with similar photographs and slogans. Many women who have had abortions learn to ignore the raging debate around the procedure and anti-abortionists’ assault on women’s humanity, but in the process, they also learn to keep their experiences to themselves. In cultures where abortion isn’t such a charged issue women are able to deal with their individual feelings about abortion in a saner manner. In Japan, women often set up shrines where they can remember, and come to terms with the loss they may feel. In the United States, we have no rituals. The problem isn’t that people don’t care, but rather that they don’t know how to show support. I think it’s really important that women communicate with one another about their experiences with their own reproductive health. This dialogue is really what helped me resolve my unexplained feelings about abortion. Talking to women who have had abortions and struggled with the issues around it has been an empowering experience. There are as many different reactions to abortion as there are women who have them, and I think that the feminist movement, individual women, friends, and activists need to let people know that they are all legitimate. Women need a safe space to talk about abortion, whether it’s to say that she feels really comfortable with her decision or that she has conflicting emotions; whether she is dealing with the issue alone or with a partner. It’s important not to silence women’s experiences, but to learn and gather strength from them. |
